“Well I think marriage is a curse to my personal goals” ANONYMOUS
It was a perfect Friday evening as my best friend invited me for a cup of ice cream, I was very excited to be hanging out with a darling friend after a long week of family routines. Everyone seems to be busy these days with one thing or another. We can’t blame anyone for how busy our lives have suddenly become. I call it growth to live a life with higher responsibilities, to care for other people rather than your self and spend your time making more money to keep body and soul together.
Sorry I kept you waiting I said as I smiled wide from one corner of my cheek to another. It’s okay “Ore,” she said. So what are we having? I asked, as we walked up straight to the service table to make some order. She asked for strawberry, cheese cream and vanilla mixture. I wanted a very little portion this time so I ordered for the smallest cup and then the attendant told me I had only one choice to make. Wow out of all these beautiful colours at play here, how do I get the best one? because I do not have a favourite prior to the event. Then I suddenly noticed I was spending too much time deciding and the pressure I felt from the look on the faces of other waiting customers made me ask him to give me anything. Then I said No wait! Give me some chocolate flavour.
My friend smiled and was wondering why the drama. Then I told her I had issues with making personal choices and decision and I feel a lot at peace when I let people decide for me. It was after so many years I realised that was the exact attribute of a woman who lacks self- confidence. I have been working on my confidence level lately and one of the things I learnt is to decide and stay by your decision whether it yields a good result or not. If you don’t learn this, you will slip into self- doubt that will make you lose confidence in your decisions and in yourself don’t be afraid to be wrong.
Hmm, the chocolate taste great I said with a sense of achievement am glad I was responsible for my own great feeling and I have no one to thank for it.
Marriage changes everything is a statement I consider very true to an extent. In my years of study, I have seen confident ladies grow into timidity, I have seen ladies who made career waves as single ladies suddenly nosedive. I look practically into my life and sometimes I asked if there was something that drained my brain. I have met with a lot of good wives complained to me how they feel their marriage was a curse to their personal growth. Hello, you are not the only one who feels that way but I strongly think it’s not a correct feeling!
A dear lady told me how she had persuaded her husband to allow her to run a business aside her civil servant job but he bluntly refused, the worse part to her was the fact that she had her money and was not requesting any financial assistance from him but he still refuses so she travelled to the U.K to get her pieces of stuff and established her business without the knowledge of her husband. Her husband patronised the shop to buy her stuff and yet she didn’t disclose she was the owner, the only excuse she gave me was the fact that her husband was threatened by her success and so he wants to keep her small. Well, I sense big trouble in the nearest future if nothing is done to correct that error.
I am blessed with a wonderful husband who would stop at nothing to make me succeed. At first, I was one of those who felt marriage will impede my growth not until I met a man who was willing to give me the push that I need. The problem is just that I wasn’t still doing well as I was, as a single lady. What went wrong?
As a single lady, I was very independent, I don’t consult with anyone before I make a decision. I was confident in myself and the decisions I make. I hardly discuss my move with anyone nor wait for endorsement, this way no one gets to transfer their fears to me. For instance, if I had a business idea I would go for it before anyone will get the chance to tell me 10 reasons why it will not succeed. Little wonder I had a very high record of success and the only one that kept me in check was God. He was the only that influences my decision. I was so independent that the only advice my father gave me while leaving for my husband's house was to be less independent and consult my husband on matters else my marriage will face a lot of difficulties.
This thing called marriage must work was my mindset when I got married. I was very determined to give it all it takes. I knew I had the tendency to be controlling and wanting to be in charge of my life. Now my life is tide to another and I have to let him drive me was a bitter truth to swallow. I was operating a different financial principle from that of my spouse. I had my investment opportunities all figured out. The way I love to eat my rice and stew without mixing them both was also an issue because for my spouse he wanted it differently.
I read a lot on submission in marriage as a necessity for a home that works, I didn’t like the concept of submission at first but I was a die-hard believer of the word of God, so I started learning how to let my spouse be in charge. My home knew so much peace that I couldn’t be more grateful for. The only thing I noticed as time goes on was the fact that I was not moving forward with my goals like I should. My spouse was doing great, he had all my support and I hardly hesitate to cooperate with him in all decisions. He consults me in everything he does but I have learnt never to object but rather to tender my opinion as an advice and in most cases, he goes with what seems best. Most times his opinion seems best and I don’t fight it. What that was unconsciously doing to me was that I was beginning to feel my ideas were wrong because they did not come to play. I wasn’t getting the result like I should because I was not making any decisions or following my personal goals. I needed to consult my spouse on my personal goals and most times he may think the timing isn’t right or it was capital intensive and whenever that happens I usually lose my zeal to pursue such goals.I became confused and it was looking like all my goals didn’t fit well into our family plan.
I was praying one day and the Lord convicted me of bitterness. Really? i was becoming bitter towards my spouse for being insensitive. He didn’t know I was never cool with the decisions he made with my goals and most times because I thought being submissive requires that whatever he says is final. I have watched a lot of home break beyond repair because the voice of the woman is not heard. The men are just being human, it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t want you to grow or progress. They might just be seeing your progress from a different angle from the one you saw for yourself. The issue is that it is very good for you to go with what you believe in than the ones other believe for you because in the end you will need your inner energy to push the dream through and such passion cannot be instilled it has to be from within.
Women take this too far by no longer consulting their men, they even feel the men might be threatened, I also felt the same way at some point until I sat my hubby for a decent conversation and when he shared the angle from which he was seeing the issue, I realised he meant no harm at all.
How to make your husband dance to your tune
when you use this approach am about to share with you, you will notice a better result and trust me every woman needs her voice, a lot of people who sees marriage as bondage are those who have lost themselves beyond control and have suddenly realised that they have lost touch with themselves. and in search to find themselves they may begin to crave for an unhealthy separation that may end in divorce.Why lose your marriage when you can have it!
1.Your submission is still the very key to achieving your goal, however, submission doesn’t mean that you will be commanding or forceful but rather it means that you will be consistent in tendering your request in a very humble way. Have a decent conversation and explain the reason you want to make that choice and how important it is for you to have your spouse’s approval. You must be sure of your request, many women don’t even have concrete reasons for why they want what they want and that is why it is easy for your opinion to be swept under the rug.
Luke 18:1-4 New International Version (NIV) Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. 2 He said: “In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought. 3 And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice against my adversary.’ 4 “For some time he refused. But finally, he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think, 5 yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’”
2 You need to have built a consistent atmosphere that doesn’t threaten your husband in any way.He must be able to trust you with money and other things like the Proverb 31 woman
Proverb 31:11-12 NKJV 11The heart of her husband safely trusts her; So he will have no lack of gain. 12 She does him good and not evil All the days of her life.
3.You must make use of every opportunity well enough to deserve another, it doesn’t mean we cannot fail at our decisions sometimes because the truth is that our men also make mistakes and the good wife that we are do not go pointing fingers at him for making the wrong decisions but rather we support and encourage them. So also should you not be afraid to fail with that business or any idea he gave you fund or supported you for. But what you know is that you must put up the right attitude and give it your best such that if it fails, he will see beyond the failure and see your good attitude and that will encourage his future support.
4. You must learn to commit the heart of your husband to God in prayer and let him be the one to talk on your behalf when your words may fail. This is the very step we need to take before we present our ideas to him so he can prepare his heart.
Proverb 21:1 1 The king's heart is in the hand of the Lord, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will.
